Emotional Infidelity | Jawhara

Recent surveys have revealed that 20% of most divorce cases have listed Facebook as the main reason, while other studies show that 46% of men considered intense internet relationships to be infidelity, compared to 72% of women. With such an alarming difference in opinion, and the fact that many teens and even young children below the age of 13 are into social networking, it is about time we took notice of the dangers that lurk around and safeguard our relationships.

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By Karoline Xavier

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I always thought that battling unwanted attention from the opposite sex was a tough thing to do when I was single. But now that I?m no more in that domain, I?ve had somewhat of a rude awakening. It turns out that it gets harder once you?ve updated your status (on Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, LinkedIn, hi5 or whatever it is you use) to ?taken? and with that you enter a whole new ?happily-married-but-still-looking? battleground. It turns out that the days of stumbling into an affair at the local pub or at a party in town are long gone, and what?s taken over is the internet, thanks to the many social sites where convenience plays a big role. Apparently, we are now warped by a mentality where most people want what?s on another?s plate ? and in this case, what?s in another?s arms! More often than not, such casual beginnings in the form of chats, smses and so on seem to be connived as if people know precisely what they want and are determined to get it, especially if what they want is already taken!

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At the forefront of the matter, it makes you question the very fabric of this new society based on the social networking culture. Now networking, whether you look at it from a real-world or a cyber-world perspective, seems to come with its own baggage these days. On the one hand you have the typical case where people who you?ve met the very first time at a night out or wherever, end up finding you on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, LinkedIn, Orkut, hi5 etc and add you as a friend the very next day. On the other hand, you have the odd mob trying to reach you through some sort of ?friend finder? tool that magically makes you friends with them even if they are your spouse?s colleague or friend, or your friend?s former roommate?s cousin for that matter. What follows are the obvious chats and emails ? all on the pretext of knowing you better, until one day you?re facing a person who you discover has nothing platonic in his/her mind about you, but instead seems to me more mesmerized by your style or looks!. Take the real-life instance of someone who claimed to love his childhood sweetheart so much, that he eventually married her after 16 years of persuasion. They soon started a family and moved to Dubai for their ?happily ever after? period and yet, he spends every day at work chatting up females on social sites, aged 16 to 22 from every corner of the world ? all unbeknown to his loving and unsuspecting wife. Or, take the instance of an 18 year old female who got ?friendly? over innocent chats with a father of two grown up girls her own age and later, blatantly showed off as his arm candy in exchange for his credit card and a few pampering privileges. Better still is the example of a happily married couple who were doing pretty good in their own little world, until one fine sunny social networking day, when the guy found his old flame on fb. It did not matter that she was married with three kids, but what did matter is that they both were ecstatic to have met each other through ?destiny? and soon realized that they wanted to elope, leaving behind their respective children and partner?s, because they had finally found true love!

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In all three cases, what started as a casual cyber-connection or an innocent emotional encounter, ended up in a full-blown affair defying all logic and ignoring all rationale because, if truth be told, these days it seems as if anyone is willing to befriend you or lend you a shoulder to cry on with the intent of ?knowing you better?, but it actually turns out to be a contrived approach to what is just the beginning of an unexplainable emotional engagement, that eventually leads into something as devastating and unforgivable as infidelity.

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That being said, it appears that men and women have a different stance when it comes to the notion of Emotional Infidelity. A recent survey revealed that 46% of men considered intense internet relationships to be infidelity, compared to 72% women! Adding a bit of fuel to that fire, another study conducted in America found that 20% of divorce papers list Facebook as one of the reasons for separating. In fact, Dustin McCrary, a Divorce Attorney based in North Carolina, USA says that according to the Law, you can file for divorce if you prove that your partner had the ?inclination and opportunity? to cheat. That means if you can get circumstantial evidence involving text messages, PDA?s on profile pages, emails and the likes, you stand a strong chance of winning your case.

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With so much debate over the topic gathering heat all over the world, it brings to mind just one question: Is Emotional Infidelity something that we should be aware and vigilant of? And is it something that women view differently as compared to men?

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What is Emotional Infidelity

Many can argue that as long as there is no physical contact involved, there is nothing such as infidelity that occurs. But the issue lies not on the kind of contact in question, but more on the context of engagement. ?The boundaries are not as clear because the notion of being emotionally unavailable can manifest in many ways? explains Dr. Devika Singh, Psychologist and Learning specialist at the Dubai Herbal & Treatment center who specializes in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy, Emotional Intelligence, Coaching & Relationship Enhancement. ?It may involve interpersonal contact with a third person but this is not the only form of emotional infidelity. ?Too much? time spent in a hobby or at work or on Facebook (yes!) for example can lead to emotional unavailability and qualifies as emotional infidelity if it affects the relationship? she says. Now while it is unlikely that you?d be charged in a court of law just because you?ve been casually chatting with a friend or a long lost buddy, it also does not mean that the person who you?re talking with has the same clear intentions as yourself. ?Social networking has increased opportunities for affairs but it hasn?t changed the drive to have an affair? argues Dr. Devika, stating that this depends more on the health of the relationship. ?The drive to have an affair can lead someone to seek out opportunities and social networking sites can provide a very easy way to act out on this impulse? And it certainly means that you could have some very clear intentions about what you stand for, but someone who is looking for an opportunity could target you in a unsuspecting manner.

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According to a relationship poll conducted on emotional infidelity, over 70% of all women felt that emotional affairs could lead to physical affairs. In the case of any social connections made online, what begins rather innocently eventually develops into a more intimate arrangement built on curiosity, blind trust, the thrill of it all and, not forgetting, the constant availability of either person.

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Why does it occur?

Becoming emotionally involved with a person most often stems from a number of underlying reasons. Sometimes it may be something as simple as getting appreciation, affection or even attention from someone other than your partner. And in these times, the internet or the office or any social environment can be a great way to initiate such contact with those in the immediate surroundings. More often than not, such connections have the tendency to become more realistic in the form of BB friends, chat friends or simply because somebody can sms at the speed of 40words per minute and does not take no for an answer. Even if both people in question are physically present in the house, are with their respective partner?s or at a family dinner, they can still manage to remain in constant contact irrespective of their surroundings. What may have started with no intention of literally cheating, then gives way to walk a forbidden path. ?Any interaction that causes one or both partners to be emotionally unavailable in a relationship and affects the functioning of that relationship in any way constitutes Emotional Infidelity? says Dr. Devika adding that there could be a number of reasons why this happens. These, according to her, include feelings of being rejected or neglected by a partner and the inability to resolve a conflict in an amiable manner, which eventually leads to emotional flooding causing each person to live a parallel live. In such cases she says, ?an affair can feel like an escape from a real life situation that seems hard to fix, but it can also represent unresolved internal conflicts, psychological disorders and personality issues such as poor self esteem?

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But what, with busy careers, frequent travelling due to work, late hours spent at the office or after work social gatherings where it is imperative to be present, the chances of getting tangled in an emotional affair with a stranger can be much higher due to the impact of such distances that limits two people from spending quality time together in a relationship. However, Dr Devika explains, ?People don?t get married to have problems and feel emotionally distant in a relationship. When this expectation is not met, it leads to high levels of distress and more emotional disconnection. It becomes a downward spiral?. If there is no time set aside to be constantly present to and for each other, problems would become inevitable. Yasemin Demirtas, a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach and a Certified Relationship Coach supports the point, in saying that it is critical to work on the relationship constantly. ?If partners let their work and busy schedules come in the way and don?t spend enough quality time with each other, the relationship deteriorates. It is important that both partners do the effort and work which needs to be done in a relationship? If either partner tends to ignore small issues, for fear of rocking the boat, resentment could build up and eventually lead to disconnection, leaving room for another person to fill the void.

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Safeguarding Your Relationship:

Dr. Devika advises that the best way to protect your relationship is to be conscious about your words and actions. ?It is critical to consciously engage in behaviors that protect your relationship from an outside threat. This threat could be a person or situation. It is also important to discuss expectations clearly and in a non-blaming way to agree on what is a healthy boundary and what isn?t? she explains.

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While there can be numerous steps on how to protect your relationship, the truth is that not everyone is as resistant to temptation. And temptation, as we know all too well, exists in every form and in every place. So how does one deal with a partner who has emotionally cheated on them? Yasemin says that the best approach is to seek counseling or coaching, while talking about it and trying to find ways to heal and move forward. ?Most of the time when there was a case before, the partner who was betrayed often blames the other one and brings it up as a weapon. It is important that they talk through it and make a conscious decision of moving forward without bringing it up again? she explains, stressing that it is important to look at the source and find reasons why it happened in the first place. By addressing those reasons, both partners find a way to move forward by building trust and avoiding repeated mistakes on either part. That said, what comes into inevitable focus is that the one who has been hurt insists on checking phone smses, emails and the likes. The right way to re-establish trust, says Yasemin, depends on the agreement that both partners reach. ?If they are both alright with sharing their passwords, then why not? But a certain level of trust should be there which does not turn into snooping around and doing things behind each other?s backs?

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5 Signs to watch out for in your partner ?

1)????? Partner spends unusually long periods of time on the cell phone or computer and secures their computer in a locked area or with passwords you don?t have access to.

2)????? Partner suddenly becomes hypercritical about your appearance

3)????? Partner becomes secretive or defensive when questioned about their behavior.

4)????? Partner loses interest in the relationship or family activities.

5)????? Partner stays on the computer very late at night after you have retired

Stephany Alexander, Infidelity Expert and Author ?

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Are you guilty of Emotional Infidelity? 5 Questions to Ask yourself

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1)????? Do you catch yourself of thinking of other women/men in romantic or sexual situations?

2)????? Do you wish your partner would be a different person?

3)????? Are you often absent minded in your relationship and don?t enjoy spending so much time with your partner?

4)????? Do you think you partner does not really understand you or know who you really are?

5)????? Do you rather spend time with a friend/ colleague from opposite sex?

Yasemin Demirtas

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Source: http://www.jawhara.me/en/f/emotional-infidelity/?seg=/category/f/

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